The beginning of a new relationship is usually full of bliss, butterflies and overwhelming emotions. Many people call those first weeks or months the “honeymoon phase”. While in some cases that honeymoon phase lasts longer and then smoothly develops into a deeper and long-lasting connection, there are also times where that isn’t the case. Humans are complicated and hard, so therefore, so are relationships. There’s a wide range of “hard” that is considered normal and healthy, and there are also times when the difficult parts of a relationship are considered deal breakers. When you’re in the beginning stages of a new relationship, it is easy and natural to have your blinders up; focusing only on the feelings you’re getting swept up in. Being so focused on all the newness can often distract you from some strong indicators that there will be issues in your future. It is so important to be aware of these indicators before you are too invested, so you don’t further pursue a relationship that won’t be healthy for both partners. Keep reading to learn about 12 relationship red flags that will help you spot an unhealthy future from (hopefully) a mile away. 

In your life, you may find yourself in at least a couple serious, committed relationships. The first relationship, or even the first few, are usually packed full of new experiences and lessons to be learned. You go into the relationship with little to no knowledge of what your needs, desires and boundaries are, and no experience of how to merge your life and existence with another human. While this can lead to a lot of crash and burn relationships, it also leads to you learning about yourself and what you want and need in future relationships. As you embark on relationships later in life, you go in with a better understanding of yourself, and hopefully your partner can meet you in the same place. Of course, that isn’t always the case and you may come across a partner who presents qualities and habits that are toxic and unhealthy. Here are some major relationship red flags that you just shouldn’t ignore. 

1. Wanting to move quickly 

In the throes of a new relationship, it is common to want to jump all in. Things are going well, you’re imagining your future together and it feels like you’re on cloud nine. But for most people, there’s a more reason-based side of you that tells you to take things slow and not rush into the “next steps” too quickly. It’s important to take time and thoughtful care in the beginning of a new relationship to get to know the other person on a deeper level, before rushing into making big life decisions. If you are in a relationship with a person who is coming on strong, talking about future plans right out of the gate, and maybe even dropping the “L” word in the first few weeks – take a moment to evaluate the situation before moving forward. When someone begins the relationship with an overwhelming sense of infatuation and readiness to commit more than you are, take notice of that and act with caution.

2. Lacking communication skills

We all have feelings; good, bad, big, small and everything in between. Feelings are a big part of any relationship, but so is being able to communicate those feelings. Upon starting a new relationship with someone, try to observe how they handle their feelings. Do they share them with you? And if so, how do they do it? There are kind and respectful ways to communicate thoughts, feelings and emotions and there are also extremely unhealthy ways too. If someone’s way of communicating with you involves anger, yelling, name-calling or disrespect of any nature, that is unhealthy and should be recognized as such. But what about the people that just don’t communicate? It’s not uncommon for people to just not have communication skills at all. They may choose to stifle their feelings, keep them inside and show them in a different way – through passive aggression, moodiness or the worst yet…silence. Communication is one of the most fundamental areas of a healthy relationship, so it is NOT a red flag to bypass or ignore. However, it is also an area that can be worked through and grown in with the proper work and effort. So, if your partner isn’t a great communicator, don’t lose all hope!

3. Violation of boundaries

This is a red flag that should have blinking neon lights around it. Boundaries are a key component to any healthy relationship; mental boundaries, emotional boundaries, physical boundaries and so much more. It is important to know yourself and your boundaries well and convey those clearly to your partner in the very beginning. In a healthy relationship, your partner will hear your boundaries and respect them. That might look like your partner giving you personal space at the end of a long day or it may look like your partner not speaking to you in a way that is triggering to you emotionally. Whatever your boundaries are, if you have communicated them with your partner, they should be honored – absolutely no questions asked. If someone violates your boundaries intentionally or lacks respect for the boundaries you have set, that is a warning sign that needs to be given attention. If this isn’t addressed early on, there is significant damage that can be done in your relationship as you grow more serious and invested. 

4. Lack of trust

 Trust is a pillar of a relationship that needs to be strong. It is sometimes difficult to build, and once it’s broken it can be devastating to a relationship. With that said, in the beginning of a new relationship there is likely no reason for your partner not to trust you. You have most-likely shown that you are a person of integrity and lack any reason to be untrusted. If your partner doesn’t trust you from the beginning, you should wonder if they have trust issues that they are carrying from previous relationships. Trust issues are often something that haunt people through multiple relationships, ruining relationships that otherwise could have thrived. If your new partner doesn’t believe your word, doubts you, questions you extensively or even feels the need to look through your phone or social media – that is very unhealthy and alarming behavior. If your partner lacks trust in you before they have any indication or reason to do so, you should look deeper into why that is. 

5. Gives you feelings of insecurity 

On the flip side of that, when you are coming into a relationship you should feel secure and comfortable trusting your new partner. While trust should be earned and built, if you feel insecure or like you are questioning your partner’s intentions or actions right away – listen to that instinct. You should never move forward in a relationship where you feel insecure; especially in the beginning. Your partner should make you feel loved, secure, wanted and comfortable. Everyone deserves security in a relationship and it is so important to not settle into or invest in a relationship where you don’t feel safe and secure.

 6. Isolation from family and friends

When you meet someone new and begin a relationship with them, you are probably excited to share that news with your family and friends! Your community is an integral part of who you are, so it’s important that your two worlds are able to merge in a healthy and happy way. If you are close with your family and friends and express that from the beginning, your partner should support that and also want to be a part of it. If you notice that your partner doesn’t want to be a part of social gatherings with you, tries to convince you to stay home or not talk to loved ones, or tries to turn you against your family and friends in any way, that is something to be alarmed by. Your partner should want to get to know the people in your life, or at the very least encourage you to keep relationships with them. Anyone that wants to alienate you from the people around you and “keep you all to themselves”, is not a person you want to start a long-term relationship with. 

7. Disapproval of loved ones

When you are in the throes of a new relationship, the blinders go way up, and you pour all of yourself into this new love. There are many things about your new partner that are alarming, unlikeable or just “off”, that you are unable to see from the inside. Typically, those red flags are easier to spot from a different vantage point that your family and friends have access to. If the people surrounding you, who know you really well, have questions or doubts about your partner – try to keep an open mind and listen to what they say. You don’t have to take action on anyone else’s opinions, of course. But if someone you love and trust is having these feelings, they might actually be onto something that you aren’t able to see.

8. Vague or concerning relationship history

We all have our own story and it isn’t always pretty. Our past relationships have ended in not-so-happy ways, and we’ve all done things we aren’t necessarily proud of. When you first start spending time with someone in a new relationship, you most-likely spend A LOT of time talking. Talking about interests, passions and everything else under the sun. Something that will inevitably come up is what life was like for that person before you. If your new partner is vague or doesn’t communicate about what their past looks like, that can often be a sign that there is important stuff for you to know hiding in their closet. While people do change and evolve, certain parts about a person’s past can be a good indication of their future. 

9. Controlling tendencies

In addition to isolating you from your loved ones, partners can display other forms of control and it is a key red flag to be looking out for. If your partner tries to dictate who you spend time with, what activities or outings you should and should not attend, who you talk to in any capacity, or anything of the like, those are tell-tale signs of attempted control. To love someone is to trust them, honor who they are and what matters to them, and to support and respect them. It is most certainly not to control them. If your partner is asking that you choose them over anyone or anything as a display of your love and commitment, that is an indication that they are trying to control you. If they make you feel guilty for things that you do that are out of alignment with what they wanted, that is a strong red flag of control and something to be aware of. Control is a common theme in any toxic relationship and is a problem that only grows more harmful as time goes on.

 10. Emotional immaturity

If you’re at the point in your life where you’re ready for a serious relationship of any kind, you are looking for someone who is right there with you. Relationships are inherently difficult and maintaining a really healthy one takes a lot of emotional maturity, effort and communication. Emotional maturity means that you have the self-awareness to acknowledge your feelings, to manage them appropriately and the ability to communicate them in a healthy way. If you step into a new relationship with someone who is not at your maturity level, you will be entering a relationship where you will be constantly teaching and guiding them to be ready and capable of all that you are. You could potentially be fighting a losing battle.

11. Unkind humor 

We all love to joke around, and everyone loves a good laugh, right? But those jokes stop being funny when they’re at the expense of someone else’s feelings. It is unfortunately not uncommon that people in relationships find their favorite humor surrounding making fun of their partner. Disparaging humor in social settings or even just in the privacy of your alone time is never okay, and it’s definitely not a habit you want to get used to. Your partner should speak highly of you, respect you and speak kindly to you in front of and not in front of others. There are many ways to get a good laugh from their audience, and it doesn’t need to be at your expense. 

12. Abusive behavior

It goes without saying that abusive behavior of ANY kind is a huge red flag. Possibly the biggest of all the red flags. While abusive behavior in relationships can be overt and unmistakable, abuse comes in many forms and some are less easy to recognize than others. There is physical abuse, which is the easiest to recognize. If someone is hurting you physically in a sexual or nonsexual way, it is crucial to seek help immediately. Emotional abuse can be a little harder to discover, and often the abuser does a good job at convincing you that their actions are an expression of love. Verbal abuse shows up in the way of name calling, manipulation, degradation and belittling, gaslighting, and so much more. They are all equally dangerous and inexcusable and should be noticed as early as possible as to not create more danger. If you see any of the abusive red flag behaviors, you need to take a step back and leave the relationship. The cycle of abuse is treacherous and damaging, and if you experience it in the beginning stages of the relationship, it is not likely to get better. 

These 12 relationship red flags are a really helpful way to ensure that you are entering a relationship that will be healthy, positive and long-lasting. It’s important to know these things before going into the relationship, so you can make decisions before you are too invested. Although the brand-new stage of a relationship is all-encompassing and blissful, it often leads you to miss some of the most important warning signs. Once you do recognize the fatal flaws of your relationship, you then have to also recognize that while they may be seemingly mild now, they will only become more insignificant as time goes on.

Need Relationship Help? 

Here at Insight Northwest Counseling we are here to help you. Whether it’s individual therapy or couples counseling, we are ready to support you in your journey to health. And if you or anyone you know is experience domestic violence, please contact the national domestic violence hotline.