When you enter into a romantic partnership with someone, things feel easy and even flawless. You’re getting to know your new partner, experiencing those “firsts” and living in a constant state of butterflies. The initial “honeymoon phase” can sweep you off your feet and make your relationship flow and build with ease and pure bliss. This is not to say that the honeymoon phase always ends, and a dark cloud enters – but often with time, your flaming hot new relationship fire will simmer down, and you will be left with a partnership that (hopefully) feels like home. The reality of adult partnerships, is that they take intention and effort. It doesn’t need to feel like work, but it does require mindfulness and purpose. It’s important to know that while love is a part of the fundamental building blocks of a relationship, it is not enough to carry that partnership to go the distance. If you’ve never read the self-help books on how to build and sustain a healthy relationship, then this one is for you. Keep reading to learn how to build a good relationship with your partner.

What makes a healthy relationship?

As you settle into adulthood, you might begin to look for “the one,” or maybe you’ve already found them. But finding the one isn’t the finish line and it definitely isn’t the only thing to work toward. The goal in your partnerships is to build a healthy and solid relationship; one that serves both people, brings out the best in each person, enriches your life and truly makes you a better version of you. Not all relationships accomplish those things, but that is what we all should aim for. A healthy relationship does NOT mean a relationship that is without conflict, and it definitely isn’t a relationship that lacks ups and downs. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, love, kindness, honesty and connection. All of those pieces are equally important in the list of boxes you want to check. But how do you get there? That’s why we’re here.

Tips to building a good relationship

1. Begin with a friendship.

Think of your relationship as a house – your goal is to build a home that will withstand the test of time and weather any storm. You want a home that will feel comfortable, happy and strong and certainly one that won’t collapse or deteriorate with time. So, what does every good house start with? A sturdy foundation. The best way to begin a relationship, is with a friendship. A friendship that is built on mutual respect, honesty and transparency, reciprocal love and a beautiful connection. Your partner should be the first one you want to tell exciting news to and the person you go to for a listening ear, among many other things. A true friendship as the base of your partnership is a sure way to ensure a healthy relationship that will be strong and long-lasting.

2. Communicate honestly and openly.

You’ve probably heard it before, but there’s a reason for that. Effective communication is a building block for any healthy partnership. In order for your partner to know your thoughts, feelings, pain and joy – you have to tell them. News flash: your partner isn’t a mind reader. When you are having feelings, either good or bad, you can’t expect your partner to know what they can’t know. It is your job to express it to them and communicate effectively. On the flip side, you need to be ready to listen and really hear your partner when they communicate with you. And remember, listen to hear, not to respond. If both partners in the relationship can willingly and honestly communicate consistently and just as equally willingly create a safe space for their partner to communicate honestly, your relationship will be ahead of the curve. Communication eliminates the likelihood of misunderstandings, assumptions and unnecessary conflict.

3. See and hear your partner.

And by this, we don’t mean using your senses. There is so much value in sitting with your partner and listening to them; holding space for them in times where they need it most. When someone feels seen by their partner, it builds trust and connection on a deeper level. It creates a safe space for the person to feel comfortable sharing their true self and nothing brings you closer than that. When your partner shares with you, listen to them. Try not to listen while thinking of what you will say in response, listen instead to fully understand them. Hear their words, feel their feelings, meet them where they are at and validate them. Everyone wants to feel understood in life and relationships, and a partnership where both individuals feel seen is more likely to be strong and successful together. Try to remember this as you venture into any conversation with your partner and ask yourself; what are they experiencing and how can I validate that experience?

4. Prioritize time together.

Whether you’re in the thick of a difficult and busy season, or the ever-changing tides of life are overwhelming you – time together has to be a priority. Obviously, there are times when alone time, face to face, is more obtainable than others. But putting aside even one evening a week dedicated solely to you as a couple will make a difference. It’s so much easier to get caught up in the busyness of life and just go through the motions, but having time set aside for you and your partner to reconnect is crucial in maintaining a healthy and positive connection. If you can, dedicate a night to regular date nights. Keep in mind that date nights don’t HAVE to be fancy nights out or tickets to a Broadway musical. Another version of a date night, on the more exhausted evenings, is renting a good movie, ordering in your favorite restaurant and cuddling up on the couch. It’s less about what you do with that time together and more about creating a space in your schedule for that time together.

5. Connect intimately.

Physical intimacy is one of the main components of a functional romantic partnership. The strongest relationships are thriving in their mental and emotional connection, as well as their physical connection. With that said, physical touch is not everyone’s love language; which can make this piece hard in some dynamics. When there is a mismatch in sexual drive or a disconnect in the desire for sexual frequency, it can lead to frustration on both sides. It’s important to find satisfaction for both individuals physically, which can mean compromise and healthy, open communication about wants and needs. With that said, there are other ways to build physical intimacy in a relationship. It begins long before the bedroom.

Some examples of physical touch to build intimacy:

• Holding hands

• Hugging

• Kissing

• Cuddling

• Massage

Sometimes, just making small efforts toward physical intimacy can go a long way and can lead to deeper intimacy and connection. Physical touch should bring you closer to your partner and if both people in the relationship feel comfortable and content with the level of intimacy, your bond will only become stronger.

 6. Learn to have healthy conflict AND healthy resolution.

It is one of the most common misconceptions in our world, to assume that a healthy couple doesn’t fight. This leads people to think that their relationship is broken or unhealthy because they disagree or have conflict. This assumption couldn’t be more wrong. A healthy couple doesn’t just argue, they have conflict in a healthy and productive way; and more importantly, they have healthy conflict resolution. To work toward having a strong relationship, the way in which you disagree should be handled with intention. 

Some examples of conflict DON’Ts:

• Yelling

• Cursing

• Name calling

• Gaslighting

• Interrupting

• Dismissing

• Deflecting

• Accusing

Some examples of conflict DO’s:

• Calmly voicing your feelings

• Speaking respectfully

• Listening

• Validating

• Taking accountability

• Accepting fault when needed

• Apologizing

• Respecting your partner’s boundaries

Healthy conflict can take time and practice. A lot of us have unhealthy patterns that we carry from our childhood or past relationships, and those cycles and behaviors can be hard to break. But if both partners share a willingness to work together, new habits can be established, and conflict can be productive. Beyond the conflicts, is the resolution. How do your fights end? How do you resolve the arguments? Or do you even resolve them? 

A healthy couple isn’t defined by how much they disagree or have conflict, but really how they get through that conflict and resolve their issues. It’s important to use the healthy conflict tools above and that both individuals walk away feeling validated, seen and respected. Accomplishing this isn’t possible with every fight or disagreement and it is always a work in progress; but this outcome should always be the goal. If you notice that your arguments are often unhealthy, and you feel that you aren’t able to resolve them in a satisfying or healthy way, it may be time to seek the help of a couples counselor.

7. Love in the way your partner wants and needs to be loved. 

Everyone has a love language, and whether you’ve done research on what yours is or not, it is still there. As humans, we want to love our partners and show them love, but we often try to love them in the way we WANT to or see fit, rather than assessing and honoring how they need to be loved and supported. For some, receiving support looks like an act of service. They would appreciate if their partner helped clean their house or cook them dinner. If their partner then loves them the way THEY want to, by showing them physical affection or giving them gifts – they may not feel supported or loved. The intention is good, but it doesn’t necessarily land the way they intended. It’s important to really know your partner and how they want and need to be supported, in order to truly love them. This comes back to open communication, listening and HEARING your partner, and then putting those things to action.

8. Remember that partnership is a journey.

A long-lasting relationship will inevitably have its fair share of ups and downs. Life is ever-changing and naturally ebbs and flows; there are hard seasons and then seasons that are less challenging. With those ebbs and flows, your relationship will face hurdles as well. There will be times when life deals you hardship and that will test your relationship. If you and your partner enter the relationship with the expectation that it will always be “rainbows and butterflies”, those bumps in the road just might break you. Sometimes having the knowledge that dark times will come, is enough to carry you through until the skies lighten up.

Know that in any solid relationship, you will face difficulties and that is not only okay, it is normal. It is most important to build a strong foundation, focusing on all of the components we’ve talked about here, so that when the outside variables of life come knocking on your door – you have a strong bond to fall back on. With all of the tools here, you can create a beautiful and healthy relationship that will likely carry you through all of life’s ups and downs.

The Takeaway On Building a Better Relationship

Just like we’ve said before, there’s more to a healthy relationship than just love. A good relationship takes time, effort, intention, investment and of course, love. It’s important to remember that a good relationship shouldn’t be hard work, it should be an investment of your effort. It will be easy in some moments and hard in others, but for a relationship that adds so much to your life, the investment and effort will be well worth it. Having a partner by your side through life; someone to stand beside you, hold your hand, cheer you on and help carry your heaviest loads is an incredible and fulfilling thing. If you lead with kindness, love and intention and use these 8 tips above to build and nourish your partnership, your future as a couple can be positive and beautiful.

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