How To Get Over a Divorce After a Long Marriage
If you’ve landed on this post, there’s a good chance you are either in the process of divorce or on the heels of the process and thinking to yourself, “now what?”. Each step in the process of your divorce is challenging and a difficult process to get through. Whether it’s an abrupt divorce that happens almost overnight, or something that has been in the works for many years, divorce is never easy. No matter how “ready” you are, no matter how much you expected it, or how healthy it will eventually be for you and your life – it is challenging and life-changing. If you’re wondering how to get over a divorce after a long marriage, we’re here for you.
Reasons for Divorce
When you get married you obviously make several promises about your life and future together. In a perfect world, you keep those promises and live a long, happy life together. But the reality is that marriage and life-long partnerships come with inevitable bumps in the road. As two individuals, you are growing, changing and evolving over the course of those years together. You can grow together or you can grow apart and in many marriages, you do both! Just as the seasons of life ebb and flow, so does your relationship; whether you navigate those seasons side by side and come out stronger is not always definitive.
Unfortunately, marriage doesn’t come with a blueprint. There is no “full proof” method to help you navigate the testing and trying moments that will inevitably present themselves. A successful marriage entails a lot of trial and error, resilience and perseverance. But if your marriage isn’t successful, there’s probably several valid reasons why. The expected rate of divorce in 2022 is 44.2%. This number has been climbing consistently for many recent years. But why is that?
There are infinite reasons marriages don’t last.
Some of the most common causes of divorce include, but are not limited to:
Communication and conflict resolution
Infidelity
Mental, physical and emotional abuse
Financial strain
Marrying early in life
Loss of commitment
Family dynamics
Huge life transitions or traumas
Addiction/substance abuse
Toxic relationship
The most common cause of all those listed about is marital infidelity. Infidelity is unfortunately more common than we’d like to assume. And while there are many marriages who can survive the fracture in the relationship that infidelity creates, there are many who cannot. It’s important to remember that your journey through life and marriage is yours. What works for you and your partner, or how you choose to navigate trials and tribulations, is completely personal to you. What ends your marriage, may not end the marriage of your neighbor and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s important to focus on what is happening in your marriage, and not spend time and energy consumed by comparison or the marriages of others.
It is also very important to keep in mind that there is no perquisite to getting a divorce. If the cause of your divorce is not listed above, it is no less valid or real. There is no event or circumstance that is too small or “insignificant” to lead to divorce and each situation is unique to you and your partner.
Tips to get over divorce after a long marriage
Some people may argue that you don’t just “get over” big life experiences such as a divorce. You move through it, navigate it and then arrive at a place of peace and contentment with the divorce set behind you as a part of your story that doesn’t define you anymore. But you don’t get there overnight. Getting over a divorce after a long marriage is a process and packed full of work, hardship, grief and resilience. It takes time and energy and is never linear. There will be high highs and low lows and it isn’t easy to ride those with grace all the time. If you have gone through a divorce recently after a long-term marriage, we have some tips in how to get through it and recover.
Truly process and grieve the loss
Divorce is a loss similar to any other. It is the ending of a friendship, a family unit, a romantic relationship and your future as the way you had imagined it. And just like with any other loss, you have to grieve. You can’t go around it, you can’t go over or under it, you have to go through it. As with any other journey or life experience, there is the easy way and the hard way. Facing your grief head on and processing the loss is definitely not the easy way, but it is the fastest way to the other side. In addition, it’s the best way to ensure that the “other side” is truly happy and healthy. If you’re reading this from the perspective of never having to grieve a loss, you’re probably wonder what “processing” it really looks with.
Here are some examples of ways to process and grieve the loss of your divorce:
Sit with your feelings even when it’s uncomfortable
Release your feelings and emotions out in the open
Acknowledge your grief; name it and let it run its course
Lean on others around you to share with and get support from
Seek the support of a therapist or life coach to help answer any questions
Allow time to heal your fresh wounds
Naturally we all want to run from grief and it’s no wonder why. Being one of the most uncomfortable often miserable experiences, we would all love to bypass it and just show up to the other side. Processing your loss is one of the most important stages in the process of getting over your divorce.
2. Release blame and focus on forgiveness
Often the cause of the divorce takes up so much of the space in life after divorce; constantly asking who’s fault it was, which partner didn’t try hard enough or who broke the promise. Unfortunately, these questions can be wasted energy for many reasons. The end of a marriage is very rarely solely the fault of one partner. Relationships take the effort of two individuals and there are faults and shortcomings from both parties. Spending time and energy to dissect the “why”, takes away the capacity you could have to put toward healing and moving on. If the marriage is already ended, it is best to come to terms with that reality and focus on the future.
Replacing the effort on placing blame, with an effort to reach a place of forgiveness is the most worthwhile effort you can put forth. If your spouse cheated on you, of course you are not going to be quick to forgive and rightfully so. However, what many people do not see clearly at first, is that forgiveness is much more for you than the other person. It has been the understanding that in forgiving someone you are therefore saying that what they did was in any way “okay” or acceptable and you no longer feel hurt by it. In reality, forgiveness is a way for you to release your feelings of anger, hatred, resentment and other harsh emotions that you have been carrying. It requires more energy to harbor anger than it does forgiveness, so reaching a place where you can genuinely forgive your spouse is setting you free.
3. Surround yourself with love and support
Losing a spouse after a long time and essentially starting over can feel lonely, daunting, isolating and extremely foreign. There will inevitably be a void in your life and heart, and if you don’t attempt to fill that void with more love and support it can lead to deeper hurt, loneliness and even depression. In the process of navigating the initial stages of grief, having people to support you can make all the difference in the world. Beyond having support through your divorce, having a sense of community afterward when you are finding a new sense of normal is equally important. Staying active socially, having things to fill your calendar and remaining a part of personal relationships will help you to move past your marriage and begin a happy and fulfilled life beyond the relationship.
4. Focus on rebuilding you
In our current climate of social media and influencers, the focus and “trend” is self-care. And while it can sometimes feel like overkill, it’s actually a really important practice when it comes to difficult life experiences like divorce. If you have been in a failing marriage, it is likely that you’ve lost a lot of who you once were to the relationship. It’s also likely that you’ve been putting a lot of your free time and energy toward trying to save your marriage or at least navigating the stressful process of ending it. Now that you aren’t in that marriage and it’s not requiring so much of you, you can channel that extra time and energy to finding yourself. Whether that means finding a new day to day routine that is centered around what feels best to you or joining a new class or hobby with your free time, you get to decide what that self-care and nurturing looks like. The goal in all of this is to be better and stronger than you were before. That can take intention and effort, but you can do it!
5. Ease back into the dating world
After a long marriage, this one can feel pretty intimidating. It’s really important to remember that dating is not the best next step if you are not ready. While it can offer a fun distraction, it can also backfire when you are not actually “over” your spouse or the marriage. With that said, if you are ready, dating again can be just what you need to be fully over your divorce. Whether you find your next long-term partner or just a short-term fling, seeing that there are other people out there for you and that you can be happy without your spouse can really change your life for the better. Having the companionship of another person helps your emotional, physical and mental health and has the ability to pull you out of the rut you are stuck in.
In the era of social media and dating apps, diving into the dating pool is pretty accessible and easy. You can download any of the most popular dating apps on your phone in just a few short minutes, and start “meeting” people right away. If that isn’t something that feels best for you, it is also helpful to participate in groups, hobbies, social gatherings and other activities that offer an opportunity to meet like-minded people. Then, of course, there’s always “blind dates”. Some of the most successful relationships come from being connected through mutual friends – so put the word out to your friends that you’re single and ready to mingle!
Respect your process
All of these tips are great ideas to help you get over a divorce after a long marriage, but ultimately, your journey is your own. Listen to your mind and heart and follow the path and timing that feels best to you. Whether that means grieving for a year and spending time working on self-growth, or getting out into the dating world immediately; there is no wrong process. Every individual gets through divorce or break ups differently and we encourage you to honor your own process and timeline.
Getting Expert Healing
At Insight Northwest Counseling, we offer support for you in the journey of your divorce and life beyond. We have a team of wonderful therapists who specialize in life after divorce and supporting individuals through all the ups and downs that inevitably come. If you are interested in individual therapy or even couples and family counseling, we are here to support you both in person and via telehealth.