Tips for a Happy Relationship
If you have found yourself in a long-term relationship, by now you’ve realized that it may not always be “rainbows and butterflies”. While relationships and marriages do bring immense joy and happiness, they also bring their fair share of challenges. But what’s important to recognize, is that those challenges don’t have to get in the way of your happiness. Everyone deserves a happy, healthy relationship and shouldn’t settle for anything less. With effort, time and the right tools, romantic relationships have the potential to be an incredible bonus to life and a huge source of fulfillment, encouragement and companionship.
Whether your relationship is in a really healthy place or in desperate need of some help, there are many tips and tricks to enhance what you already are doing well and also improve upon the things you may be struggling with. Keep reading to learn more about how to help your love thrive and seven tips for a happy, healthier relationship.
What makes a healthy relationship?
Here’s the thing: every relationship is different. Therefore, “healthy” looks different for everyone. While it would be nice to have a textbook version to follow that comes complete with a road map and rules to follow, that just isn’t realistic. The reality is that just as humans are all incredibly unique and individual, so is each relationship. What works well for one couple, wouldn’t work the same for the couple next-door. There isn’t one version of healthy and happy, but there are a few different things that define “healthy” in any relationship.
The relationship adds joy to life and doesn’t take away.
The true purpose of romantic relationships, is to enhance your life. Your relationship should make your life feel even more fulfilled, happy, fun and purposeful. If it doesn’t add any of those things, or even drains you of those things, it may be time to reassess. That’s not to say that every relationship will enhance your life ALL the time. If you’re in a long-term relationship there will likely be times when it doesn’t bring you only joy or peace, but generally, if you’re in a relationship it should be something that makes your life more worth living.
There is a meaningful and sustainable love and connection between the individuals.
At the core of every healthy relationship should be a true, real and deep connection. That connection should be shared by both people in the same way and fostered and protected. Deep love and connection can be the glue that holds a relationship together in its hardest moments and carry the individuals through the times when things aren’t easy. At the end of the day, a relationship that isn’t built on that reciprocal love won’t likely be able to make it in the long-term. A relationship is built on loving and being loved in return – and truly feeling loved.
You are able to have productive conflict AND conflict resolution.
A common misconception in people starting out their relationship is that fighting is “bad”. Arguments or conflict get a bad reputation for representing unhealthiness or toxicity in a relationship. But that is a myth that needs to be debunked. The truth is, the healthiest relationships DO have conflict – it’s just the healthy kind. Humans that are choosing to cohabitate or live life alongside one another are bound to have disagreements or feel differently about things; especially when sharing a space. What separates the healthy from the unhealthy is the ability to maintain and uphold mutual respect throughout the disagreement, and then to be able to resolve the conflict in the same way.
The relationship allows for each individual to be just that – individuals.
Relationships are about the union of individuals to enhance each other’s lives and create a strong and powerful bond. But if the individuals get lost in their relationship and lose what really made them who they are, it will take away from the strength of the relationship. A healthy relationship holds space for the couple to be together, but also to foster lives outside of the relationship. Both people having hobbies, careers, friendships and passions that serve themselves will ensure that the relationship remains strong.
Falling in love
Some people say falling in love is the easy part, and guess what? They might be right. The actual “falling in love” phase of the relationship just sort of happens. Effortlessly and without much work or thought. When you meet someone that you connect with and end up in a relationship with, you usually begin the relationship infatuated, interested and wanting to spend all of your time with that person – almost in an intoxicating way. All you want to do is get to know more about them, spend more time with them and soak in all of that new relationship goodness. This phase of the relationship, albeit “easy”, IS important. It sets the ground work for that love and connection that will carry you through the ups and downs of a long-term relationship. It is entirely okay and healthy to let yourself fall into love with someone, but it’s also important to not lose sight of yourself or reality in that phase. While that intoxicating and all-encompassing beginning “honeymoon phase” is incredible, it usually isn’t the way it always will be. That beginning stage typically fades into a more comfortable and sustainable phase that can last a lifetime.
Resting in love
An incredible author and motivational speaker, Glennon Doyle, talks a lot about what it means to fall in love and then what it means to rest in love. She describes that initial “over the moon” phase of intoxicating love, where you are immersed in this world where the only thing you can see, hear or even feel is this person. And it is beautiful and fulfilling. But what happens after that? Well, in the healthiest of relationships, what happens after the honeymoon phase is actually just as beautiful in a different way. The two individuals begin to settle into a comfortable, dependable, safe and sustainable love. The fiery, can’t-eat, can’t-sleep love dims down to a rich, deep and fulfilling love. While many people feel that transition as a loss of what was or a negative thing, it is natural, and can actually be an incredibly positive and important time for the couple’s life together. Resting and settling into a relationship that will catch you when you fall, celebrate you on your best days and see you through all of the trials and tribulations life has to offer is a really wonderful thing.
There is a certain beauty that comes from taking a relationship from falling in love to resting in love and staying that way for a long time. A long-term partnership is never easy or completely free of hardship, but with the right attention and nurturing from both partners – a healthy, happy and fulfilling relationship is attainable for anyone.
7 Tips for a happier relationship
1. Communicate (A LOT)
You’ve heard it said, probably one too many times, but communication truly IS key in a healthy relationship. Real, honest connection can only happen when people share their thoughts and feelings with each other. If a relationship stops participating in communication, or never has solid communication to begin with, there is more likely to be disconnect, misunderstandings and distance. It’s so crucial to talk openly about things that are happening in the relationship or ways you are feeling, to give your partner the opportunity to hear you and adjust to meet whatever needs you may have. Be clear about how you are feeling, what you are desiring and needing from them and don’t expect them to just know or assume what your needs are. And remember, approach your communication with care, intention and respect. The communication is more likely to be heard and understood when delivered with a gentle and loving approach.
On the flip side, to be a good communicator is to be a good listener. In addition to having your feelings and needs communicated, it’s important to listen and truly try to understand and validate your partner if they choose to communicate with you. You want them to feel safe, comfortable and valued in their feelings, so they will not only want to continue sharing, but so that your relationship can continue to be healthy and reciprocal.
2. Build and protect trust
Many people say, “without trust you have nothing”, and while that might be a little extreme, there is a lot of truth to it. The foundation of a partnership is trust. And not just in the romantic trust. Trust encompasses many areas of a relationship, so when it is fractured or even shattered, it hurts the relationship deeply. It is obviously ideal to never have broken trust for any reason, but the reality is that as human-beings we are flawed. We make mistakes and we hurt each other, both purposefully and inadvertently. It’s important to understand that just because trust may have been broken or injured, it is not a hopeless situation. There IS, in fact, coming back from broken trust and betrayal, but it takes effort, healing, work and a lot of vulnerability and belief in each other. There are many ways to build, renew and protect your trust in your daily life. Prioritizing trust is a key to success in any healthy relationship.
3. Uphold healthy boundaries
If there was a hierarchy of priorities in a relationship, boundaries would be at the very top. Setting boundaries with your partner and honoring and respecting the boundaries that your partner sets is a necessity in having a healthy and sustainable relationship. But it isn’t always easy. In order to communicate clear boundaries to your partner, you first have to know what those boundaries are. Boundaries can encompass areas of your relationship from physical intimacy to when and how you will choose to participate in big conversations. For example, if you feel that yelling or name-calling is unhealthy and triggering for you, your boundary could be that if your partner begins yelling or name-calling that you will walk away from the conversation. Beyond recognizing your boundaries, you then communicate them to your partner and trust that they will respect them. It’s important to uphold the boundaries you set, no matter the reaction of your partner.
In addition to setting and communicating clear boundaries, it is just as important to respect and honor the boundaries of your partner. If they choose to communicate honestly and clearly what their needs and boundaries are, as their loving partner it is then your responsibility to uphold those with them. Once boundaries begin to be violated, it is a very slippery slope into a relationship lacking in respect, structure or trust.
4. Respect one another
Mutual respect is one of the most integral building blocks of any healthy relationship, both romantic and not. If you respect each other greatly, all of these other key principles are much more easily achieved. Without respect, communication is more difficult. Without respect, it is easier to break trust. Without respect, it is very difficult to honor boundaries and have your own boundaries honored as well. Respect is where it all begins and should be prioritized as such.
5. Practice give and take
Many people enter their relationship believing that it functions on a 50/50 basis, meaning that each person comes half-way and they meet in the middle. But even more important than that, is the idea that each partner come toward the other completely, giving 100% of themselves to meet their partner’s needs, communicate actively and give to the relationship. If each person in the relationship is meeting the other where they are at, both parties are having their needs met and looked out for. It is a given that any human being wants to have their needs met. They want their partner to do all the things that make them feel happy and fulfilled. But if we so desperately want that, then we must be ready to give that. For all the effort you put into asking for what you want, put the same amount of effort into knowing what your partner wants and giving them that. In the end, everyone will be happy.
6. Have realistic expectations
A lot of times what gets us most “in trouble” in relationships, is expecting too much of one person. Your partner can and should meet a good amount of your needs. But to assume or expect that they will meet ALL of them is unrealistic and sets you both up for failure, when they inevitably can’t do it all. Just as you don’t go into life expecting your first job in life to be your only, life-long job that you’ll ever have, or that one of your best friends will be the ONLY friend you ever have, or need is unrealistic - the same is true in a partner. Entering a relationship, it is important to know that while your partner can and will meet many of your needs, they can’t meet them all. Be realistic about what your partner can offer you and what you can expect. Getting to know your partner – their strengths and weaknesses, will give you the opportunity to tap into those and have grounded and realistic expectations of them.
7. Prioritize togetherness
Whether it be quality time, physical intimacy, date nights or simply sitting next to each other on the couch, zoning out – togetherness is absolutely huge. Setting aside time that is dedicated to just being with each other needs to be a non-negotiable in the relationship. Often in relationships, depending on the season of life you’re in, alone time and quality time together gets lost in the craziness. It slips through the cracks because you “don’t have the time” or you are just consumed by other things. Here’s the truth: there is always time, you just have to make it. Being together without distraction allows for your connection to be nurtured and for you to come back to each other – whether that be for honest conversation, physical connection or something else. Carving out that time can be what makes or breaks a relationship.
Seeking support for your relationship
In addition to all of these helpful tips to maintaining a happy relationship, is the option to seek outside help and support. If you’re feeling like your relationship could use the tools and support of a neutral third party, a couples therapist or marriage counselor could be the perfect option for you. There is no relationship that doesn’t meet the criteria for counseling, and it is a good idea for any partnership – both married and not. In therapy, your therapist will be able to offer a safe, comfortable space for both individuals to communicate openly and feel heard and seen. They also offer a neutral perspective that may offer the couple insight into the other person that they were otherwise missing. The benefits of counseling in a relationship are truly endless and if you are thinking it may be time for you, it is.
At Insight Northwest Counseling we have a team of incredible licensed marriage and family therapists, who are ready to work with you and your partner to create a healthier and happier relationship. If you are interested in the help of a counselor, book an appointment with us today.