How to Prepare for Couples Counseling

How To Prepare For Couples Counseling

Starting Couples Therapy

Are you feeling dissatisfied in your relationship? 

Do you feel that communication with your partner is strained? 

Are you unsure of how to move forward from a traumatic experience in your relationship? 

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it may be time to consider couples counseling. 

Conflict between romantic partners is not abnormal— in fact, there are those who say that if a couple never fights there is a larger issue at play. However, when conflict is the main interaction in your relationship, and the negatives start to outweigh the positives in your partnership, beginning therapy may be helpful in navigating those challenges together.

Like with any therapy, there can be a stigma around going to couples therapy. Individuals can feel that the request to go to counseling is an attack on them, a sign of failure in the relationship, or wanting a partner to change. However, we aim to reframe the idea that seeking help as a couple is a negative. Instead, we feel that couples who are willing to invest time, energy, and effort into the therapy process are more likely to be a success in the long-term. In fact, it is reported that approximately 70% of couples who have attended couples therapy sessions together regularly felt a positive impact on their relationships.

Individual Therapy vs. Couples Counseling

Individual counseling focuses on a single person’s thoughts and feelings. Sessions are one-on-one between a therapist and client, and address everything from daily struggles, trauma, and mental illnesses. The therapist works with the individual to understand their life experiences, provide support through healing, and help to facilitate personal growth. In contrast, couples or marriage counseling is designed to hone in on the issues in the relationship between the two people attending a session together. In these sessions, the therapist acts as a mediator and guide through resolving conflicts, and strengthening their relationship. While individual therapy can have a positive impact on a relationship, it is only addressing one half of the partnership. In order to  truly take steps towards healing your relationships and addressing unhealthy dynamics, you and your partner must commit to attending and participating in sessions together.

How to Choose a Couples Counselor

Just like any relationship, finding the right therapist for you and your partner can take time. A good first step is to identify some key elements that are important for a practitioner to specialize in. For one example, if you are in a same-sex relationship, you may want a counselor who works with the LGBTQIA+ population regularly in their practice. Therapists often list their specialties in their profile — for our practitioners you can find them on all of their bios — and you can look for someone who lists areas of focus that align with your needs.

It is also OK to not know exactly what you’re looking for. Another tactic to finding a therapist that is the right fit is trial and error. Most therapists will do a free consultation with prospective clients, so if you and your partner are willing to make the time investment, you can ask questions and get a sense of the therapy style before scheduling your first appointment. During these consultation sessions, it is important to be honest about what challenges you are facing in your relationship, and what you would like to work on or improve. It is also a good time to ask any questions you may have about the process as a whole, or how the counselor may treat a specific issue.

Some questions that you can ask to give clarity on the treatment process are: 

  • What are your specialties?

  • How long have you been practicing?

  • How would you describe your counseling style? 

  • What method of counseling do you follow? 

  • What is the cost per therapy session?

  • Do you counsel other couples who are also experiencing these challenges?

  • Do you feel that this would be long or short term counseling?

  • In your opinion, what makes a relationship “healthy”?

  • What percentage of your clients are able to work through their challenges and move on in successful relationships?

Once you and your partner feel comfortable that a counselor is the right fit, you can coordinate appointments around your schedules and begin the process.

counseling

What to Expect in a Session

Every practitioner will have a different way of running their sessions, often aligning with the method of counseling they follow in their practice. However, a common theme that you can expect in most practices is goal setting. These goals can be session specific and define your desired outcomes from attending counseling together, or more broadly setting life and relationship goals and benchmarks for success moving forward.

For example, a session-related goal might be learning how to communicate calmly and respectfully during times of stress and conflict. A life-related goal could be aligning on if children are a part of  your future, and if so when and how many? Allow yourself to get on the same page as your partner. Having a set list of shared goals to work through in sessions can help keep the process on course for the outcome you and your partner desire, and gives your practitioner insight into how they can best help you. It is important to leave judgment at the door when discussing goals, and understanding that having a different goal from your partner is not a failure.

Different Kinds of Therapy Practices

There are a few different methods that therapists use when working with clients in marriage and family counseling. While they all have the goal of helping communication, trust, and happiness, they have different processes of getting clients there. The most common types of therapies used in couples counseling are:

Gottman Method

This method aims to give partners specific problem-solving skills that enhance intimacy, friendship, and trust between them. This method uses session time and homework or take-home training materials.

Narrative Therapy

This technique involves participants describing their relationship challenges in a narrative format, and then being encouraged to “re-write” their stories. Often, this method is helpful for clients who feel like they are a failure and deserve a failing relationship as it helps to show both sides of the challenges happening, and allows them to work together on a solution.

Solution Focused Therapy

This method is best for clients who have a specific idea of what they would like to work on in session together. It can be particularly helpful with short-term goals, and pushes clients to move past issues with a solution they both feel comfortable with.

Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT)

EFT focuses on identifying destructive behaviors, and how they are interfering with the attachment styles in the relationship. By focusing on the actions that cause rifts and distance in the relationship, partners can begin to move forward together and heal.

Reflective Listening

This practice involves each partner having a turn to speak in a safe, healthy environment, where each client practices being an active listener. They are encouraged to let their partner speak fully before responding, and “I feel” statements are recommended in their responses. For example: “I feel hurt when you are running late and don’t text me.”

Part of finding a therapist that works for you is also finding a method that works for you and your partner. When doing a consultation, ask the counselor what they use in their practice, and how it would help improve your relationship. 

Exploring Attachment Styles

Another common element that is explored in couples counseling is the concept of attachment styles. A large part of human nature is seeking the companionship of other people as a source of love, support, and comfort. The “need to belong'' is one of the largest driving forces for individuals. Studies show that the relationship you have with your parents or caregivers from a young age has a profound impact on how you develop relationships and friendships in your adolescence and adulthood. As children, we are dependent on our caregivers to provide us with a secure, loving place to grow up, and if the adults in that environment are unable for any reason (mental illness, addiction, sickness, etc.) to provide that security, it will negatively impact an individual’s development. Parents often set the example of how relationships should function, and children who do not see examples of successful relationships are less likely to have them in their own adulthoods.

There are four types of adult attachment styles:

1 - Anxious or Preoccupied

In this attachment style, an individual views their partner as their “better half.” The idea of not being in an intimate relationship causes high levels of anxiety, and a negative self image. There is also a strong fear of abandonment, which means that they view their partner as their safety.

2 - Avoidant or Dismissive

People who have an avoidant attachment style often view themselves as highly individualistic or a “lone wolf.” They do not want to depend on others, and see doing so as a sign of weakness. Typically, they avoid emotional closeness, using passive aggression, and suppress their emotions.

3 - Disorganized or Fearful Avoidant

Often, individuals with a disorganized attachment style are unstable in their emotional bonds. They view closeness as a necessity, but are also terrified of letting someone in too close. They have a hard time trusting others, and worry they will be hurt.

4 - Secure

A secure attachment style means that individuals are comfortable expressing their emotions in a healthy and open way. They view relationships as partnerships that are based on honesty, compromise, and trust. People who have secure attachments do not view their relationships as the reason their life has meaning, and do not depend on others to validate their happiness.

Chances are, even if your attachment style is mostly secure, you also experience a little of one or more of the first three on the list. The good news is that through therapy and communication, you can shift your attachment style towards secure, and take steps towards healing your relationship.

What Does A “Successful Relationship” Look Like? 

Successful relationships look different depending on the partners in them—some partners may value independence and travel, others could value family and building a stable home, and some fall anywhere in between. There is no “right” way to have a relationship, but there are a few key elements that should be present in order to have a healthy partnership that has longevity: respect, communication, trust, companionship, and consent.

Boundaries are also important in any relationship — romantic, familial, professional, etc. It is important to know your personal boundaries and be able to communicate them with the people in your life so they know where your lines are.

For example, if you are uncomfortable with public displays of affection it is important to express that to your partner so they do not trigger you. If a boundary has been crossed, it is also important to be able to communicate that calmly and honestly. Saying something as simple as: “Hey, I don’t like it when you do _____. It makes me uncomfortable because of _____ reason. Do you think next time, you could do _______ instead?”

It may take some initial back and forth, but over time open and direct communication will lead to a more intuitive understanding of what each partner needs. These boundaries should be explored in any relationship counseling sessions, and a couples counselor can be a great mediator to help facilitate these conversations if you don’t know where to start!

Couples Therapy at Insight Northwest Counseling

At Insight Northwest Counseling, we provide couples counseling to the state of Oregon, and we are here to help you and your relationship. We will look at the history of your relationship, what has happened to get you to the place you’re currently in, and discover the root of the issues. Every relationship is unique, and has its own set of challenges. Our practitioners collaborate with you to find the best ways to heal and strengthen your relationship, and help you work together as a team.

To learn more about our practice, and how we can help, set up a free consultation today.

Dani ChambersInsight Northwest Counseling