How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
Healthy boundaries are a crucial part of any relationship, both romantic and otherwise. Whether you just began your relationship or have been together for several years, establishing boundaries is necessary and extremely beneficial for everyone involved. Many of us have been raised with skewed ideals of what healthy boundaries look like, or have no exposure to boundaries at all. Learning about them later in life can be profoundly difficult. But if there is anything worth the effort and work, it is setting boundaries in a relationship. Keep reading to find out the importance of boundaries and how to set boundaries in a relationship.
What are boundaries?
Simply stated, boundaries are the parameters you set in a relationship, to protect both you and the other person. Boundaries preserve your mental and physical health alike, allow you to remain in control of your own well-being, create a healthy attachment style and maintain autonomy for all parties involved. Healthy boundary setting prevents resentment, emotional distress, burnout and inevitably the ending of the relationship. Boundaries present themselves in many different ways.
Here are some examples of boundaries in a relationship:
Emotional boundaries
Emotional boundary setting encourages and supports a healthy attachment style, which is an integral piece of a functional relationship. Often, we lose sight in a relationship of where WE end, and our partner begins. We slide into a state of codependency, where our emotions are contingent upon our partner’s state of being. In order to maintain autonomy and independence as an individual, you must set emotional boundaries with your partner.
Intellectual boundaries
Intellectual boundaries often refer to beliefs, values or political views. It isn’t uncommon for two people’s opinions or stances on certain issues to differ. Your partner may feel strongly about politics, while you may fall on the more passive and neutral side of the fence. The boundaries here come into play when deciding how to communicate on matters in which you don’t align. Setting intellectual boundaries in a relationship will lead to healthy communication skills and a more happy relationship.
physical boundaries
Physical boundaries are the rules you set surrounding YOUR body. Your body autonomy and physical comfortability should be highly prioritized. Your physical boundary could be in regard to public displays of affection. Knowing where you draw the line, and then communicating that to your partner can prevent you from feeling embarrassed or violated in public. Physical boundaries also encompass your health. If you are suffering from any sort of chronic illness, your physical boundary might be protecting your ability to rest and take space to care for yourself.
Sexual boundaries
Sexual boundaries are particularly sensitive and, when violated, are the most damaging. It is important to set boundaries surrounding your body sexually, in regard to consent, sexual affection and respect of refusal. You may fear telling your partner that you aren’t interested in sexual relations in that particular moment, and you fear their reaction or how they will treat you in response. You should be able to listen to your own sexual feelings without feeling guilty, and that is where a healthy sexual boundary becomes necessary. The boundary is the right to say “no” to your partner and have them listen respectfully and honor your feelings.
Financial boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries regarding finances is a topic that often gets overlooked. In a partnership, especially when finances are shared, the lines become blurry on who is entitled to what and who gets to make decisions. Boundaries about communication and shared control of finances are beneficial to everyone and protect both people from feeling lied to or taken advantage of.
How to set boundaries
1. Know what you want and need.
In order to set healthy boundaries, you need to truly know yourself and be in touch with your emotions. Being aware of your feelings, how certain behaviors make you feel, and what actions effect you adversely, will help you to set healthy emotional boundaries with your partner. Before you can set healthy boundaries in your relationship, you have to be clear about your wants and needs. If you aren’t in tune with your own personal boundaries, then you can’t expect your partner to understand or respect them. Check in with yourself and recognize what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable. Whether it is the way in which your partner touches you in public settings or the volume in which your partner talks to you in an argument, it’s important to recognize the way YOU feel as an individual in all situations.
It is also important to note that your boundaries are just that; YOURS. They are for you and about you. You are who decides where the boundaries lie, and no one’s thoughts or feelings can change or influence that. In many situations of boundary violation, people can fall victim to shame and guilt for their boundaries being “irrational” or extreme. It is more important in those situations to hold strong boundaries and stay true to what aligns with your wants and needs. Know yourself and your values and respect them, so that your partner can do the same.
2. Communicate your boundaries
Once you have become clear on what you need and what your boundaries are, the next step is to communicate those boundaries openly and honestly with your partner. This can be intimidating, uncomfortable and foreign to some – but if you don’t communicate your boundaries with your partner, they won’t be given the opportunity to respect them which can lead to you feeling hurt, resentful and angry. If you notice yourself feeling those things toward your partner, it is most likely time for a conversation about boundaries.
While communicating about boundaries can feel difficult, it is often the best way strengthen your relationship. Boundaries are put in place in relationships to help them thrive, protect both people’s independence as individuals, and give space for true, reciprocal love and trust to flourish. Having boundaries with a partner shows a mutual love and respect. Reminding yourself and your partner of that when entering a dialogue about boundary setting may be helpful.
3. Uphold your boundaries
With each boundary you set, be it big or small, you need to decide what actions will follow that boundary if there is a violation. For example, you set a boundary with your partner that you don’t want them to raise their voice or speak down to you when in an argument. From there, you need to make the decision of what you will do IF they violate that boundary. Commonly, the follow-up action would be to remove yourself from the situation. Once you have decided on what that action will be, you need to honestly and openly communicate that with your partner. If you don’t, and just remove yourself from the situation, they could be left feeling upset, confused and hurt. The most important piece of all aspects of boundary setting is communication.
In a situation of boundary violation, it is necessary to follow through with the follow-up action you have communicated. The way to enforce and encourage respect of a boundary is by showing your partner that you DO care, you respect yourself and you are demanding respect from them. Boundaries, both old and new, can be best upheld when your partner sees that you respect your own personal boundary.
4. Respect your partner and their needs
Part of developing healthy boundaries is understanding that both partners will have boundaries that need to be respected. Just as YOU have personal boundaries, your partner has their own. As a supportive partner, it is best for you to listen and hear your partner’s feelings and boundaries. Hear what they tell you, understand their boundaries and then show them with your actions that you respect them. The most significant and profound way to show love to your partner is through respecting the boundaries they have set.
Relationships are a wonderful and fulfilling part of the human condition. But as we all know, they are just as complicated as they are beautiful. We are all complex as individuals - so when you have two humans spending their life together, there is inevitably discourse and complications. Setting boundaries in a relationship is not only necessary, but so incredibly beneficial for everyone involved.
Need More Relationship Help?
If you need support in creating a happier and healthier relationship for you and your partner, the professionals at Insight Northwest Counseling are here for you.