Is Couples Counseling Effective?
Every relationship, no matter how strong, faces its fair share of ups and downs. While relationships should be happy and fulfilling, that does not mean they are without struggle. Relationships are meant to be a really beautiful part of life, and with that beauty comes complexity – the complexity of combining two people with two sets of values and beliefs, two different personalities and demeanors, and possibly two sets of life experiences and pasts that add elements of difficulty.
Some relational bumps in the road are easily navigated and can be managed well within the relationship, but others are more challenging and can use the support of couples counseling. If you’ve ever thought about seeking counseling for your relationship, there are many questions that have probably already run through your head; what it entails, where do you seek it, what kinds of things will you be expected to do, etc. But one of the most common is, “does it even work?” That is a question worth asking and one with many answers. If you are considering couples counseling in your relationship, but are experiencing some hesitation, we’d love to help you further understand what it is, how it works and truly, if it is effective.
What is couples counseling?
Couples counseling is support that you seek for you and your partner, to both enhance your relationship, improve upon things that need work and heal from past hurts or damage. In couples counseling, you and your partner will meet with a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) or another licensed therapist to communicate and work through your relational challenges with a neutral third party. Your counselor will serve as a mediator, protecting both people’s safety to share openly with their partner. Often, this allows each person to feel more comfortable to share their feelings and feel heard and seen.
In couples counseling the focus will often be on working through things that have happened in the past that are inhibiting the partnership from thriving and functioning in a healthy way. The objective will also be to bring the couple closer together, restore closeness and find healthy conflict resolution and a foundation of open and mutually respectful communication. This process isn’t always easy, depending on where the couple is coming from, and can take months of regular appointments to truly see the impact of the work in therapy – but with shared commitment of time, effort and willingness to give it their all, couples counseling can have an incredibly positive impact in a relationship.
Reasons to seek couples counseling
Many people think that couples counseling is in place for couples who are already married and are seeking therapy as a “last ditch” effort to avoid divorce and save what’s left of the marriage, but the reality is that couples counseling is a great choice for couples in any phase of their relationship. While there is a stigma attached to seeking counseling in your relationship, it does not necessarily indicate that there is anything “wrong” with you and your partner or that you are in a bad place. Often the most effective therapy in a relationship is when people seek it out earlier in the relationship, before there is built up resentment, anger or established negative habits in the relationship. Couples counseling can be initiated at any point in your relationship and there are many types of therapy for couples.
Some types of couples counseling include…
Premarital counseling
Marriage counseling
Marriage and family therapy
Seeking therapy of any kind for your relationship, shows that both you and your partner are invested in the relationship and want to work through the challenges before you. Whether you are in the earlier stages of your relationship and want to iron out some communication challenges, or in the late years of a marriage and have serious repairing and hard work to do – seeking counseling is an extremely impactful and positive way to achieve your relationship goals.
As we stated above, there is no prerequisite to going to couples counseling. There is no challenge too small or even too big for counseling to not be worth the time and effort. There are many reasons that it is wise to seek therapy in your relationship and many ways in which receiving that extra help and support can help your relationship to be healthier and happier.
Some of the most common reasons that couples seek the support of counseling are…
Difficulty with communication
Unhealthy conflict / poor conflict resolution
Intimacy challenges
Past betrayals and trust issues
Infidelity
Issues with addiction in the relationship
Mental health struggles in either party
Differences in values, beliefs or parenting styles
Challenges of blending families
Relationship challenges are normal and beyond common. Having any of the above-mentioned struggles do not make your relationship less than, they actually make your relationship “normal”. Being in a romantic relationship, whether you are married or not, means joining two individuals into a life as one. Each person has their own values, beliefs, communication styles, love languages, needs, personality traits and set of experiences in life before the relationship. It isn’t always easy or cohesive transitioning into a healthy relationship considering all of these factors and that is completely normal. Addressing them with the help and support of a couples therapist shows self-awareness and a commitment to the relationship and your partner.
How does it work?
As with any form of mental health counseling, there are many approaches to couples counseling. Depending on your therapist of choice and the modalities in which they specialize, your course of counseling could look many different ways. Generally, you and your partner will meet with your therapist individually first and then meet as a couple. Your therapist will take the opportunity to get to know each of you as individuals, learn about the inner-workings of the relationship from each person on their own and then bring the couple together to begin the process of working with both people. Throughout the course of couples counseling, your therapist may continue to work with each person individually and then together.
Additionally, your counselor may suggest or encourage each partner to seek individual counseling outside of the couples counseling. This allows each person to work through their own personal issues and feelings and then bring that work and growth into the relationship to be better able to work on the issues within the partnership. It is often said that couples counseling is most effective when both people are in individual counseling. When you’re able to bring a more whole, healed and mature version of you, you will be a better partner and more able to grow with and toward your partner.
Emotionally Focused Therapy
The most common form of therapy used in couples counseling is called Emotionally Focused Therapy or EFT. The main objective of EFT is to strengthen the emotional connection between two individuals and create a healthier attachment and bonding style. EFT focuses mostly on improving communication, helping the couple to learn to solve conflict in a more effective way and encouraging a stronger emotional awareness in both individuals and as a couple. While there are other modalities used in couples counseling, EFT tends to be the most popular because of its proven success and effectiveness amongst couples and families.
How effective really is couples counseling?
The reality with couples counseling, just as almost any therapy and really anything in life, is that you get out of it what you put into it. That may seem like an open-ended answer and maybe even unsatisfying, but it is the truth. Therapy and counseling of any kind can absolutely be effective, but it can just as easily be ineffective. There are many factors that play into just how successful counseling is and ways to get the very most out of your experience in couples counseling.
The right therapist for you and your partner
One of the most important factors to a successful counseling experience is finding the best fit for both you and your partner. The thing to remember when looking for a therapist, is that you both need to connect with them. In order for the counseling to be effective, both parties need to feel equally comfortable, safe and trusting of the professional. If one partner doesn’t feel that way, they’ll be less likely to share honestly or feel comfortable accepting guidance and support from the provider. This may mean you and your partner meet with several therapists before finding the best fit for you and that going in with an open mindset and an understanding that it may take some trial will help you immensely.
The most effective approach
Essentially, what works best for one couple does not necessarily work for the next. Every relationship will benefit differently from each method. If you find the right therapist for your relationship, they will typically be able to read and decide what will be most impactful and helpful to your relationship. That may be EFT, but it also could be a different modality, and a licensed and experienced professional will be able to guide you in whatever direction you need.
Openness and willingness
It is incredibly important that each of you enter the process of couples counseling with an open mind and heart, and a matched willingness to take the help and support that is offered to you. Entering therapy as a couple with a closed mind or any sort of resistance will only make the process slower and more difficult. Of course, when trying something new and unknown, there is natural apprehension and even preconceived assumptions about what it will be like. If each person can begin the experience with as few assumptions or inhibitions as possible, it will be more likely to be successful right from the start.
Mutual effort and commitment
This may be the single-most important piece of ensuring the effectiveness of couples counseling. Therapy of any kind, but especially couples counseling, is most effective when there is a mutual effort and commitment from both parties. Each person in the relationship has to be willing to grow, ready to work and willing to listen and truly hear their partner. There is a certain vulnerability and willingness to look within oneself that is required to truly heal and strengthen a relationship through counseling. And if both people in the relationship don’t possess the desire and willingness, it will be much harder to benefit from the couples counseling. For many couples, one partner is initiating the process and trying to convince their partner to meet them there. They believe that if they can get their partner to attend with them and just get them in front of the therapist, all will be well. This is a common misconception that isn’t often true.
In order to have a truly effective counseling journey in your relationship, both parties need to be equally ready to pour time, effort and passion into actively working on themselves and the relationship. The most effective couples counseling, is found when both people in the relationship are committed to each other and bettering themselves to be the best partner they can be. Any reluctance, forcefulness or resistance to the process will only hold you back and make it more difficult to find any success in couples counseling.
There are many ways to find the right counselor for you and your partner and tapping into the resources right at your fingertips is one of the best. Searching for couples counselors in your area can be easy and accessible if you know what you are looking for. And if you aren’t sure, many therapists are willing to hold a meeting or consultation either in person or via telehealth to get to know you briefly and see if it is the right fit. Like we stated earlier, you may have many consultations as a couple before landing on the right therapist for both of you, and that is okay.
Couples counseling at Insight Northwest Counseling
If you are in Oregon and seeking the support of couples counseling, we are here for you. Our team of providers are knowledgeable, experienced and specialize in family and couples therapy. We offer our services both in person and online and aim to make the process of counseling as easy and accessible as possible. To learn more about our services and how to begin the process, you can visit our services pages and learn more about our team, here.
Book your consultation or appointment today!