Practicing Self-Compassion
Life, and all of the beautiful, messy and challenging pieces that make it up, can be inherently difficult. It can be rewarding, joyful and incredible as well – but also hard. It is full of challenges, hurdles, responsibilities, experiences (both good and bad), lessons and missteps. Those components are tricky to navigate at your very best and can seem impossible at your worst. There are things you can do to lighten the load and make it all seem more manageable, and there are also things you can do to achieve the opposite. A common challenge that we as human beings face daily, is our relationship with ourselves. It is natural to be swept up in the jobs you have, the relationships you are in and the responsibilities you face in any aspect of your life. But one often over-looked, and incredibly crucial step to living a happy and healthy life, is acknowledging how we show up for ourselves emotionally, physically and mentally.
One of the most powerful and beneficial things you can do for yourself and your future is to be on your own team and while there are infinite ways to do that, practicing self-compassion is one of the most important and impactful. In this post, you’re going to learn all about practicing self-compassion; what it really means, why you need to work at it in your life and just how to do it.
So, what is self-compassion?
Self-compassion, by definition, is an emotionally positive self-attitude that should protect against the negative consequences of self-judgment, isolation, and rumination. Dr. Kristin Neff, a clinical psychologist, has centered her entire career on the idea of self-compassion, what it truly means and how best to practice it. She founded the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion and has devoted her life to further demonstrating, teaching and discovering how self-compassion can change your life.
Self-compassion is the art of showing yourself kindness, understanding, grace and appreciation in both moments of success and triumph, as well as failure. It is the practice of offering yourself gentleness and empathy, rather than defaulting to harsh criticism or judgement. And it can very easily be what sets a successful person apart from an unsuccessful and unhappy one.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgement
In order to show yourself self-compassion, one must understand that they cannot do and be everything all the time. As humans, we are imperfect, flawed and make mistakes. If you can accept this fact and find peace with it – you can more easily take the stance of grace. The idea of self-compassion is to aim to acknowledge your failures and short-comings, rather than ignore them and then proceed to offer kindness and warmth. It’s as simple as imagining how you would treat a friend who made a mistake and showing your own self that same compassion. Rather than scrutinizing, picking apart, judging or condemning yourself for your missteps, you should aim to be gentle and understanding.
2. Common humanity vs. Isolation
Self-compassion involves the knowing that suffering and feelings of inadequacy are a part of the shared human experience and not something that happens to you alone. As not alone as we truly are, we as humans tend to develop an automatic and irrational mentality of isolation and a false-understanding that we are the only one facing the struggles or hardship that we are. But the very concrete reality is that struggle is a part of life that everyone inevitably faces. One of the components of self-compassion, “common humanity” is simply the acknowledgement that your failures, challenges and feelings of inadequacy are shared in the human experience.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Mindfulness is the practice of observing your thoughts and emotions as they come in a non-judgmental way. It is to be present in your existence and take note of your thoughts and feelings as they come and go; without trying to dismiss, deny or exaggerate them. Therefore, self-compassion requires you to practice neutrality with your feelings and make an effort to not deny or dismiss them, but also not over-identify and, inevitably, exacerbate them.
Practicing self-compassion is a hugely important component to your overall success and happiness, yet one that many people don’t emphasize enough. If you’re unsure whether your self-compassion skills are lacking or may need some guidance, there are some clear indicators that show up in your day-to-day life.
If any of these feel true for you, it may be time to work on your self-compassion practices:
You are constantly beating yourself up or feeling like you didn’t get “it” right.
You are especially hard on yourself.
You feel like you are failing left and right.
You’re extremely harsh in the way you talk to/about yourself.
You are hyper focused on your flaws or the things you are not.
You feel that you are alone in your struggling; like no one understands.
The narratives listed above are the truth of so many. In fact, we as a species have grown to lean toward these tendencies by default without even realizing the problem. While it is completely natural, and often easier, to slip into a place of negative self-talk and being harsh on yourself, there are many ways to avoid it. Through self-compassion practices, effort and intentionality, you can very successfully change the way you handle life’s challenges and your own imperfections.
How to Practice Self-compassion in your life
1. Acknowledge your pain and struggle.
It is impossible to show someone (yourself) compassion without first acknowledging the pain or suffering that is being experienced. You can’t sit with anyone in their pain or sadness if you don’t first recognize that it exists. So, the first step to practicing self-compassion is to first acknowledge what you’re experiencing. Take note of what happened to you or the feelings you are experiencing and hold space for that. Once you have acknowledged the experience for what it is, it is then that you can truly be moved by it to a place of compassion and understanding.
2. Show yourself grace and understanding.
In a time of regret or a moment where you feel you are inadequate – how do you react to yourself? Are you harsh with your words and response? Do you jump to judging and shaming yourself for your mistake or failure? If you answered yes, it’s time to reframe your thinking. Being intentional each day with how you respond to yourself makes a significant impact of your overall contentment and happiness. Try to be kind to yourself, give yourself grace upon grace and understand that you are a human who is flawed.
3. Treat yourself how you would treat a friend.
Dr. Neff states, “having compassion for yourself is really no different than having compassion for others.” And when stated in such a way, the simplicity of the matter is clear. If a dear friend knocks on your door in a state of distress, feeling self-doubt, regret, shame, negativity or experiencing emotional pain in any way – are you going to turn them away? When thinking of showing yourself compassion, often the easiest way to conceptualize it is to replace the “them” in the scenario, with yourself. It is likely that when a friend turns to you for support in a time of struggle, you show them compassion in the form of understanding, empathy, kindness, gentleness, reassurance and warmth. While we as human-beings don’t typically default to offering that to ourselves, we absolutely should.
In addition, we tend to offer others grace and understanding that we don’t instinctively offer ourselves. For example, if someone “drops the ball” in your life and forgets about a commitment you made or misses a date you had set, it’s not likely that you would be instantly harsh on them, criticize them extensively or write them off as a bad person or failure. It’s important to offer yourself the same benefit of the doubt. Assume the best in yourself the way you would a friend.
To piggy back on that tip, another way to practice self-compassion is to take care of yourself the way you would take care of a friend. It’s likely that in a situation where your friend is sick, feeling down or struggling in any way, your natural caregiving instinct would tell you to nurture them with physical warmth (hugs or affection), acts of service (tending to them with comforting favors or gifts) or especially gentle words. In an effort to practice self-compassion, make an effort to do those things for yourself in a time of need. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but try to lean into the unfamiliarity rather than run from it.
4. Practice mindfulness daily.
Mindfulness has become a hot topic in our culture, but often gets misconstrued or paired together with things that it shouldn’t necessarily be paired with – such as meditation, yoga, etc. In reality, mindfulness is simply to be present in your physical, mental and emotional existence, acknowledging your thoughts and feelings as they come and pass, without judgement. Like we stated above, practicing self-compassion requires you to acknowledge your pain, rather than dismiss it. It also, however, requires you to not over-exaggerate your emotions. In practicing mindfulness frequently, you will be able to successfully find the balance of acknowledging and observing your feelings and emotions, without passing judgement or scrutiny.
Take a moment in your day, even for just a minute, to actively practice mindfulness. Breathe. Be aware of your body, surroundings, feelings and thoughts. Notice your feelings come in and do just that. Notice.
Mindfulness is an art that requires practice and intention but has the ability to set you free of so much of the inadequacy and negative thoughts you may have.
5. Be intentional with your self-talk.
We all have it; that little voice inside our head that observes, narrates, plans, processes and expresses all of our emotions and thoughts. The thing about that little voice, is that it’s not so little after all. It packs a big punch and has the power to build you up or do quite the opposite. In terms of self-compassion, that inner voice is a huge component to encourage you in the right direction. Our self-talk is our thoughts or words that are directed at ourselves. For example, at the end of running a marathon, the voice in your head that is repeating over and over, “I’m almost there. I can do it,” is your self-talk. On the contrary, that same self-talk can show up in that crucial moment saying, “I still have 3 miles left and I am hitting a wall. I’m not going to make it. I didn’t train hard enough. I have failed already.”
The way we talk to ourselves has an incredibly powerful impact on the trajectory of our life and success. In practicing self-compassion, controlling your self-talk is a significant tool.
If you aren’t sure exactly where to begin, try these simple self-talk tips:
Avoid negative words and put-downs
Emphasize and even over-use positive and uplifting words
Give yourself compliments and highlight your wins
Talk to yourself as if you are trying to hurt your own feelings
Encourage yourself – for every criticism, observe two things you are doing well
Focus on positive thoughts and observations
The Takeaway
Practicing self-compassion isn’t easy. It takes intention, effort, correction, learning and unlearning. In fact, most practices involving being so aware of our thoughts, feelings and emotions tend to require those things. But the beauty of all the effort and intention that self-compassion requires, is that it’s effort well spent. Life will be challenging, and struggle is inevitable, but through practicing self-compassion, you will be better able to navigate those struggles in a healthier and happier way.