What to Expect at Marriage Counseling
With such a staggering number of marriages ending in divorce, many couples are choosing to explore the path of marriage counseling. Whether you’re beginning the process early on in your marriage, in the thick of a difficult season, or as a last resort in effort to save what has been broken, marriage counseling is always a great option to seek in your relationship. While it is not always guaranteed that it will be completely effective and “save” your marriage, it can be a very useful and successful effort in healing and pursuing a healthier and happier marriage. If you’re not familiar with the process of marriage counseling or counseling in general, initiating the journey can feel daunting. It’s hard to know where to begin and who to turn to. Then once have made the appointment, you probably don’t know what to expect from the experience. The unknowns and questions can make it all harder than it needs to be. If you’re beginning the journey of seeking support with your partner, keep reading to learn more about what to expect at marriage counseling.
What is marriage counseling?
Marriage counseling is a service provided by a mental health professional, that offers you and your partner a safe, confidential and supportive space to share openly and process any hardships you are facing. A marriage counselor will serve as a neutral third party, who can help you to navigate the conflicts and issues that you are struggling to resolve between you and your partner alone. With the help of a marriage counselor, you and your partner will look at the history of your relationship and what has happened up until that point – and work with you to process those experiences and identify the ways they are impacting your relationship currently. In marriage counseling, you will hopefully be able to work through the past and present, in order to have a stronger and healthier future together.
Marriage counseling is becoming more common and also more openly talked about in our society. Historically, it was something stigmatized, just like all other forms of mental health counseling. The thought was typically that if you were seeking counseling for your marriage, it was somehow “broken” or “less than”. The misconception was that in order to turn to marriage counseling, your marriage is in a terrible place and you are desperately seeking anything to save it. And maybe at some point, that was the truth. But now it’s more commonly known that marriage counseling has a place and purpose in every relationship; whether it’s in a good or bad place. There is no requirement to be in marriage counseling and it certainly isn’t always an indication that there is even anything “wrong” in the relationship. Therapy is useful at any point in a marriage.
When should you seek counseling in your marriage?
Just like we stated above, there is no wrong time to seek marriage counseling. In fact, we believe that every relationship can benefit from therapy at some point. There are, however, several reasons that most commonly bring couples to seek the help of marriage counseling.
Some of those reasons include:
Past traumas or betrayal
Lack of trust in the relationship
The consequences of infidelity
Life transitions
The impact and devastation of addiction or substance abuse
The absence of being romantically stimulated (not “in love” anymore)
Lack of intimacy both physically and emotionally
Poor or damaging communication habits
Mental health challenges or the impact of mental health disorders (bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression, eating disorder, etc.) within the relationship
The effects of grief or loss in either individual’s life or as a couple
If you have faced or are currently facing some of the issues listed above, marriage counseling would be an impactful support in healing your marriage. When you choose to get married, you are committing to living the rest of your life with your partner, which means you will face inevitable challenges along the way. No matter how big or small, those challenges take a toll on your relationship and can break down your once strong and sturdy foundation. Marriage counseling can help you to navigate your current challenges and those of the past, as well.
What are the benefits of marriage counseling?
There are several ways that marriage counseling benefits your marriage. If you are willing to put in the effort and work to make it truly effective, there is no limit to just how beneficial counseling can be in your relationship. It’s important to keep in mind that marriage counseling is not a “magic wand” for your marriage. It will not just change and better your relationship instantly, and your therapist will not be able to solve your problems for you. Marriage counseling requires an investment of time, energy, effort and intention in order to truly make change.
Some of the most common benefits of marriage counseling are:
Improved communication and conflict resolution
Heal past betrayals and traumas
Build and restore trust
Rediscover physical and emotional intimacy
Identify current conflicts and learn how to resolve them
The benefits go far beyond this list, but will only be as present as the work and effort you put in. If you are wanting your marriage to truly benefit from the process, it’s crucial that BOTH parties are equally eager and willing to commit to the process.
What methods are used in marriage counseling?
Just as with any other form of counseling, marriage counseling is not a “one size fits all” approach. Each relationship brings specific and unique circumstances and challenges, and it’s important that the therapeutic practice used in your therapy is used with that in mind. At Insight Northwest Counseling, we approach each relationship as it’s own entity; unlike the one that came before it and the one that will come after it. Fortunately, there are several different therapeutic modalities that have been formulated and crafted throughout history by several different psychologists and therapists, that are now used commonly in marriage counseling. These practices are evidence-based models that have been studied and implemented by therapists over several years, and each shown to be successful in saving marriages.
Some of the therapy models used in marriage counseling include:
The Gottman Method
Solution Focused Therapy (SFT)
Narrative Therapy
To learn more about some of these methods, you can find more information here.
What to expect at marriage counseling
Initial intake appointments
Regardless of the process in which the therapy is approached, the first appointment is an opportunity for the therapist to go over the intake information. This typically includes intake paperwork, practice expectations, policies and any other important information that they see crucial to share before the therapy has begun. Intake paperwork usually includes consent documents that need to be signed in order for them to legally treat you, as well as any questionnaires that they see fit. Often, if it hasn’t been discussed yet, the first appointment will be when the therapist goes over insurance information, payment options and policies and late fees. It is common that the first session is for the therapist to gather information and the actual “work” will begin in the following sessions.
Individual and joint sessions
Each marriage counselor or therapist has their own process in which they go about the therapy journey. Some therapists begin the process meeting with each person in the couple individually. The purpose of this is usually to get to know a little bit about each individual and their history; what their family was like growing up, what their other relationships look like, where they came from, etc. Having context from both parties can give the therapist insight into what each partner brings to the relationship. Other marriage counselors, begin the therapeutic process with both partners in the session. They like to see the relationship initially to observe their dynamic, see the way they act and communicate and hear from the couple together what has brought them to therapy. In these situations, the therapist might also meet with each individual separately after this point. In almost all couples counseling processes, the marriage counselor will have sessions with both the couple and each partner individually as they see fit.
Set goals, expectations and timeline
In most therapy processes, the therapy begins the journey with goal setting and setting a “treatment plan” of sorts. In the process of therapy, the improvements happen gradually and it is hard to see just how much progress has occurred. Couples, families and individuals enter therapy usually wanting to heal and see “results”. Therapists begin with setting goals that the couple would like to achieve by the time they complete the process. Whether that goal is to be able to communicate peacefully, to be able to have intimacy that comes naturally or to successfully have an argument and resolve it in a healthy way, that is for the couple and therapist to collaboratively decide. Then, the therapist will work with the couple to establish a timeline and a plan they will follow in order to accomplish those goals. Having tangible goals and ways to measure progress helps the couple to see how much they have progressed.
Process your history as a couple
A really important, yet difficult, part of marriage counseling, is to revisit and work through your history as a couple. Often so much of our issues and conflicts in our relationship today are a product of unresolved pain from the past. It is in processing all of those challenges that you can allow space to reconnect and create a healthier dynamic in the present. Spending a life together comes with inherent challenges. Whether it is a product of yourself or your partner’s decisions, or just the natural ebbs and flows of life and all that it brings, if you are in a life-long partnership, it will not be without hardship. Those hardships have shaped who you are as individuals, as well as how you operate in the relationship currently. When you enter into the therapy journey with your partner, you should expect to speak openly and honestly about things that have happened in the past; even when it is difficult and uncomfortable. It can often stir up past feelings of hurt, anger and resentment, so it is good to go into the process aware of what may come.
Speak about your thoughts and feelings honestly
When embarking on the journey of marriage counseling, it is important to walk in with the desire and willingness to share honestly and openly. Communication may be one of the reasons you and your partner are seeking counseling, in which case this may be even more of a hurdle for you. But if either person in the relationship doesn’t show up with the ability or openness to share in a candid and honest way, it will hold the couple back from reaching the potential of their positive outcome. In your relationship, you may not feel safe to share – but the beauty of marriage counseling is that you are in a safe place, where your opinion and feelings are protected and valued by a third party.
It is not a “quick fix”
The final and potentially most important thing to expect before beginning therapy, is that it is not a quick fix. Your therapist is not a magician and they will not be able to wave a wand at your marriage and heal it. It is all too common that couples start therapy with the false assumption that therapy with automatically “save the marriage”. When in reality, that is not at all the truth. In fact, that mentality can hold you and your partner back from potentially saving your marriage the way you could. Your therapist will help guide you through processing past challenges and pain in your relationship, support you in finding ways to communicate in a healthier way and offer tools to face future challenges together and come out stronger on the other side. The more important piece to that puzzle and what really allows their efforts to be impactful, is a mutual willingness and effort in healing and bettering the relationship.
Marriage counseling can be an extremely positive and beneficial resource for your marriage, no matter what season of life you are in. If you are seeking marriage counseling and don’t know where to begin, please reach out to us today to ask any questions or learn more about how to approach therapy. At Insight Northwest Counseling, we have a wonderful team of therapists who specialize in couples and family therapy – and are ready to support you.